Titanium
by Clover80
Summary: One shot. Johanna Mason tries to keep her heart from breaking many times over the years, but sometimes even diamonds aren't hard enough to keep from breaking. Not romance.


I don't have a heart anymore, I'm pretty sure there is just a hard, unbreakable lump inside me. Hearts are ridiculous things to have, they are weak; get broken too easily. A heart is something that allows weakness and invites defeat so I decided a long time ago that I would be better off without one. I wouldn't break, not for anyone or anything ever.

When I went into the Games I had a heart. I was weak and I did nothing but cry. That all changed when I watched the Careers kill my ally. I was busy hiding in a tree being typical, weak little me. That's when I learned that having a heart, even if only for a second can cause death. Tatum, my ally, had hesitated for only a few seconds instead of firing on the Careers when they had their backs to him. He could have killed at least two of them and have been left with only one to take on; instead he waited until they turned towards him and by then it was too late. They were lightning fast and were on him before he could launch his arrow. Having a heart killed Tatum. I didn't want to die so I would be heartless. I killed those three Careers and several other tributes. I made sure the Careers had their backs to me when I hurled my axe at them. They died, I didn't. I killed without feeling a thing. I was pretty sure at that time that there was a lump of ice in my chest instead of a heart.

Later, when I became a mentor I once again vowed to be heartless. It wasn't hard, I was frozen inside. But I liked my first set of tributes; I couldn't help it. They were friendly and young and full of life the way I used to be. By the time they went into the arena they were my friends. When my tributes died I didn't cry. I tried to make the ice inside take over and freeze my insides again, cutting off all emotions. I said nothing when they died; I just stood up and walked out of my booth and went back upstairs to sleep. Other mentors turned to drinking or morphling to help dull their pain but I didn't need any of that. I would make sure that my heart was hard enough to withstand the deaths of my tributes. I decided that ice was not an acceptable thing for a heart to be made of, ice melted. Stone was better. Stone was hard and so I became hard. I was mean, tough, and treated my tributes with disdain; you can't love those you scorn. Having a heart made of stone made you strong enough to withstand it when the children you mentor die year after year.

But what I didn't know was that stone can be shattered. I became friendly with the other mentors; they were all Victors like me and knew what it was to be left so broken your heart turns to stone. They wouldn't be taken away from me either, we would all be Victors until we died; the horror of the Games was behind us and yearly we shared the torment of watching our newest tributes die. Finnick and Haymitch I had a soft spot for. Finnick was young like me and his games were less than 10 years in the past. But somehow Finnick managed to hold onto his heart. He loved Annie and he loved Mags and maybe he cared about me. I liked to think that he did. He was the older brother I never had. I grew up in the Community Home and so had no siblings or parents to care for me. Finnick stuck up for me when others were disparaging me for winning by tricking everyone into thinking I was weak. He taught me how to swim in the Training Center pool. He played practical jokes on the other Victors and the Capitol Escorts with me. If an Escort found themselves glued to their chair or doused with water we probably had something to do with it and could be found laughing together in one of our booths. He was fun, he was handsome, and against all odds he was my friend. I never thought I would have a friend again after my games but Finnick changed all that.

Haymitch was a foul mouthed man old enough to be my father and some ways he was the only father I knew. He was sarcastic and caustic and hard but so was I. He kept me out of trouble by breaking up fights between me and the other Victors like Cashmere and Enobaria. He taught me how to win over sponsors and which ones to avoid lest I end up having to go home with them. If some Capitolite got too touchy feely with me Haymitch or Finnick was always there to lead me away with a smile because there was someone I simply _mus_t meet. Haymitch was the one who warned me after my Games about Snow's little side business pimping out his Victors. Haymitch was the one who made sure I was in on the rebellion when it came.

When the Quarter Quell was announced and I knew that I was going to have to kill my friends in order to survive something inside me felt as if it shattered into a million pieces. My heart, the one made of stone was broken. I knew that the Capitol would rig the reaping so that their golden boy Finnick would go back into the games. As the only female Victors from our districts Katniss and I would have to go back in. Haymitch stood a 50/50 chance of being reaped, he wouldn't want his one legged tribute going back into the arena anyway. It wasn't until the bloodbath when I watched Brutus and Enobaria kill off the old and infirm Victors who volunteered to come back into the arena rather than send those younger than them who had not yet had a chance to fully live their lives that I felt my heart harden again, this time I decided it was made of diamonds. Diamonds are hard and shiny and they can cut other things into pieces if they are sharp. Besides, I was a Victor so I shined in my own way just like a diamond. It was Cecelia's wedding band that made me decide. The sun glinted off of it as she and Seeder fought back to back allowing the District 12 darlings to escape.

When Blight died in the Quell, his head hitting the force field I didn't crack. I didn't blink an eye; a white-hard diamond was now what I had inside my soul instead of a heart. When I saw the faces of the dead in the sky I stayed strong. Blight, old Woof, Mags who was even older, Seeder, Cecelia with her three children and later Nuts with her crazy hair and strange songs. The white stone inside me felt no pain. I knew that I would get out of the arena along with Finnick, the rebels were coming for us; all we had to do was help District 12's "Star Crossed Lovers" survive long enough to be pulled out along with us. I didn't care about those two but I knew Haymitch loved them and that was enough reason to keep them alive. Finnick wouldn't have to die either so I was able to harden my heart against the other deaths since those that mattered most to me would soon be safe.

When the Capitol pulled me out of the arena and spent months torturing me trying to get me to tell them the plans of the rebels I remained cold, hard, unfeeling. This did nothing but anger my tormentors but I didn't care. I was too hard to break; they would get nothing out of me. Eventually I was rescued and taken to District 13 where everything was grey; our uniforms, the sheets, everything. I decided that diamonds were too shiny for this place and besides Finnick and Annie and Haymitch were here and we were all safe. Safe forever or so I thought. I was wrong. Finnick was sent to fight on the front lines in the war against the Capitol along with Katniss and Peeta, part of the "star squad" 451. Annie and I hovered around the instrument room every day making sure that Finnick and Haymitch's two kids were still alive. The guards tried to throw us out but Haymitch and Beetee wouldn't let them.

When Finnick died I found that diamonds could explode. The explosion in my chest was at least as powerful as the broken wail that came from Annie it was just silent. Once again my heart had been obliterated. Even diamonds weren't hard enough. Between the time of Finnick's death and his funeral I learned that District 13 mined titanium, a non-corrosive, almost indestructible metal. It was grey and hard and so was I. The light seemed to have left the world for me along with Finnick. His death was the last straw; I vowed to feel nothing for anyone from the day he died until the day I died. When Finnick's trident was returned to Annie during the funeral I didn't cry. When his body was put out to sea I didn't cry. When his boat was set alight I didn't cry. Titanium doesn't break remember? It's bulletproof. Heat resistant. Acid resistant. Let the world bring on what it would, I would no longer let it break me.

"_You shoot me down but I won't fall, I am titanium…" –David Guetta_


End file.
